clappamungus: (King Diamond)
I already did this in Faecesbook because, well, I'm lazy, and it was easier. But damn it, I keep saying I'm going to stay off that shitty enabling social network of doom, and I'll be damned if I don't at least half get that right. So here we are, with album art and a youtube clip for each (well, if I can find one - I'm not going through all the fucktardry of actually uploading tracks myself if they're not there).

This is by no means all the releases I listened to, and there were some that didn't make the lists but were close (as evidenced by the "almost-rans"). And yes, they were all metal. Because I'm a narrow-minded, elitist wanktard that way, obviously. (In all seriousness, I did listen to non-metal this year but not enough to make as comprehensive a list as the one below).

The list )

Well, that post took way too long for something that only a few people will even bother reading... ;P
clappamungus: (Stewie dance)
Procrastinating on the Metal Archives forums yesterday, I came across a comment about a Mexican "depressive BM" band called Drown in Solitude, and how the vocalist sounds like an elephant. Nay, like a herd of elephants.

Surely this is an exaggeration, I thought to myself.

No. No, it's really not...



As I listened to it, I got an image of a herd of elephants in bullet belts self harming. I laughed so hard that I almost peed myself...
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
...nor a devil. If such an entity did exist, he wouldn't allow His Unholy Genre to be abused in such a manner:

Behold: An industrial black/death (whatever the fuck that sounds like [no, I'm not going to the MySpace. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!]) one-man band whose lyrical themes are...Harry Potter.

Yes, that's right. A metal band about HARRY. FUCKING. POTTER.

Metal is truly dying a slow, painful death.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
(subtitled "WHY, GOD, WHY??")

Like Christianity really needed another bunch of horrid spokespersons.

Overfed American teenagers should stop making metal. Now.
clappamungus: (Headbangin' skeleton)
Short Version
Dear Dave Mustaine and co.

Brilliant set, lads. You haven't lost it at all, Dave. At least, not live.

A++++ WOULD SHELL OUT EXORBITANT FEE AGAIN

Sincerely, Me


Dear Tom Araya, Jeff Hanneman, Kerry King and Dave Lombardo,

You owe me $45.

Sincerely, Me


Long Version
Tonight I went to Festy Hall to see the big double-billed Megadeth and Slayer concert. )

MEH-TUL!

Jul. 30th, 2009 04:32 pm
clappamungus: (Lil' Johnny)
Gas Mask Catalogue

Because nothing says "METAL!" better than a chubby guy in a Slayer T-shirt holding up a Coke (or a Dr Pepper or whatever the fuck it is) in triumph, another chubby guy with a haircut that I sported in the early 90s holding out his...gasp...open wallet, and a cute chick in shorts primping for the camera. Oh yeah, and the name Gas Mask Catalogue. Feel the meh-tul. Feel it. PHEAR THERE MEH-TUL. PHEAR IT!!

In their defense, I haven't actually heard the music. However, if the description's anything to go by, I'm not inclined to check it out
clappamungus: (Douse)
I've been thinking of doing a "Ten Worst Albums of 2009" rather than a "Ten Best" list, as I'm such a cheerful, happy person. Or I could do it alongside the "Ten Best"

Anyway, this album:
CV

is easily the worst, most pointless shit I've heard so far this year. This is even worse than the terrible, terrible lo-fi BM I've been subjected to, not to mention those annoying morons Blackguard.

I love prog, and I hate this.

Why? Many reasons. Because there's no flow; because the vocalist is worse than Hansi Kürsch at his most constipated and, alternately, weakest; because this hour and 11 minute atrocity is resplendent with ridiculous flowery and "quirky" keyboard noodling over boring, plodding single-note-muted detuned-to-buggery guitar riffs; and, horror of all horrors, because that FUCKING ANNOYING BINT Simone Simons lends guest vocals to a few songs, and in the process makes even the wimpy keys sound tuff.

Oh yeah, and because this is to "progressive" as a dog turd in a storm water drain during a flood is to "movement".

Gah. I'm off metal for at least a week because of this.

************************************************************************************************

In MUCH BETTER news, Left of Crazy has ANOTHER GIG! This time at The Noise Bar on 20 August. That's all I know about it so far. Now I'm getting really nervous...
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
It's all fine and dandy up until the 50 second mark. And then...



WHAM! BLASTBEAT HOLOCAUST! OVER CLEAN GUITARS!

Why? No, seriously, why??

Even Metallica didn't deserve this.

Wow...

Jun. 29th, 2009 04:16 pm
clappamungus: (Headbangin' Skeleton)
OK, I stayed away from the band Dissection for so long, because they're always associated with that dreaded term "melodic" mixed in with "black" and "death" metal. I'm usually not a fan of black metal unless it's first wave or mixed with thrash or death metal (no, I never "got" Darkthrone, and continue to not do so), and I certainly can't stand bands like Dimmu Borgir and Old Man's Child who do the whole "melodic black metal" thing.

But now I'm listening to The Somberlain...

Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is amazing.

It's melodic, yes. But heavy, interesting, epic without trying hard so very hard to be so (take note, Cradle of Filth), and, above all, utterly, stunningly beautiful. Every riff, every note, every filthy vocal line: it all works so well. Melodic without having to rely on silly synths (yes, fuck you, Emperor) or generic riffs or poppy elements or commercial fuckery (Hey, In Flames? I hope you're fucking listening...oh, that's right, you like to suck. Ignore me). Even the acoustic pieces that act as linking interludes work marvellously, because, unlike bands such as Opeth, they don't do them to death. I especially liked "Into Infinite Obscurity", probably because of the little fuck-up on one of the notes that they must have heard during recording and while listening to the playback and yet kept in, because it makes the music a little more personal in a way. Melodic, yet still sounding cold, evil, misanthropic, and hateful; everything a BM album should be.

Where has this been all my life?? Why can't all melodic metal sound more like this??? Damn you, rock I've been living under.
clappamungus: (Default)
...as done by metal.

This will be either lame as fuck or epic as fuck, depending on your point of view.

Personally, I think it's a reason for a moratorium on all music videos. A permanent one.

Kataklysm front-man Maurizio Iacono is apparently bored with "hyperblastbeats" death metal and wants to go all epic with a new band, Ex Deo, and a concept album called, you guessed it, Romulus.

Meh.

...but as much as I deride it, it's kind of catchy...

But that wolf is abysmal. Seriously. Couldn't they hire a better animator?? Too much money spent in the budget on lame props and unnecessary camera angles?
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
Why did I think that I would like even early Dragonforce??? I mean, bands that suck right now generally, in my experience, also sucked earlier in their careers too.

Actually, that's not true. In fact, that's the most false statement I've ever made. Whatever. This album sucks and I know this despite the fact that I've only listened to the first song so far.

*head-desk*

Fuck power metal.

Actually, if it were not for the flowery crap in this, I'd probably like it better. That and the fact that they sound like they're sodomising an arcade game when they perform a solo.

Addendum Hm. When they slow down, they're kind of more interesting. But of course, they only do this for a nanosecond before going back to that ridiculously boring galloping speed...

Addendum 2 OH GOD, I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH SIX MORE OF THESE SHITFESTS???? NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE SODOMISING AN ARCADE GAME THAT'S HAVING AN EPILEPTIC FUCKING FIT.

That's it. If anyone admits to liking this band, I'm hunting them down and disembowelling them.

Addednum 3 Ok, there have been two songs that I'd listen to again. "Starfire" and "Disciples of Babylon" - because they have a bit more...what's that magic word? Oh yeah. VARIETY.

Addendum 4 Alright, fine. I grudgingly admit that the latter half of this album is better than the first half. Still derivative and mostly too fast for its own good, and I want to kill that godawful vocalist with barbeque tongs, but the latter half is definitely more interesting than the first half. I really don't know why they decided to stick with the first-half style than the latter-half style for future albums, but meh...

Here ends my rambling.
clappamungus: (Jesus)
The The lulz
...
Oh, the lulz

Yes, I do feel a little silly for believing it for even a moment, but still...

The funniest thing, though, is: "WHY FOR YOU PUT CRAPPY NU-METALZ ON SITE??? WAH WAH WAH! EYE H8 UUUU!!!!!!!"

I love April Fools' Day.
clappamungus: (Douse)
Dear Waking The Cadaver,

Just. Fucking. Die.

You are a disgrace to humanity, on every level. Musically, morally, and in the name of sheer taste.

On a musical level - I decided not to listen to the tr00 metalheads and give you a chance. I regret even considering doing that. Your music is either abominably boring and slow or worse, abominably boring and too fast for your stoned arses to keep up with. Your excessive use of breakdowns would make a metalcore band angry. If I hear one more sustained, super-detuned chord again, I will perform sepukku. You have no idea how to craft a good riff and your "vocalist" is laughable. YOUR DRUMMER CANNOT KEEP TIME. PLAYING BLASTBEATS DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT YOU ARE A GOOD DRUMMER, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE TARD.

In a taste/moral capacity - the only saving grave about your lyrics is that I cannot hear them because of that stupid cunt you call a vocalist pig squealing. The less that's said about tracks (I refuse to call them "songs") with titles like "Raped, Pillaged and Gutted", the better, you sick, twisted wastes of oxygen. At least when Cannibal Corpse does it, it's ironic.

I sincerely hope you pull too many bongs and have a horrendous "accident" somewhere in a New Jersey landfill.

Actually, fuck it, I'll spell it out for you - I hope you end up a victim of a deranged fan (okay, a more deranged fan, since I can't see how anybody with an ounce of sanity can like this crusty shit you call music) who wants to emulate your lyrical content on you. Yes, all of you.

Now I'm off to listen to some good death metal. You know, stuff that's actually well-written. Yes, you pitiful shitheads, it exists. See below.

No love, ever,
[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus

P.S. All fans of this excrement (br00tal scenesters, I'd imagine) - I wish upon you the same fate as I have outlined above for your heroes.
clappamungus: (Douse)
Dear Chris Barnes,

You suck. Really. You suck something fierce.

Six Feet Under's new album would be awesome - if it were not for you sounding like you're constipated throughout the entire thing. I mean, I know death metal growls are incomprehensible and weird-sounding to the uninitiated at the best of times - but when a death metal fan cringes at the abomination that is your effort, there's something really wrong. Actually, "effort" is too strong a word. "Defecation" is more appropriate.

You know what? I take it back. It doesn't sound like you're constipated - it sounds like someone was fucking you over the recording desk with a broken broom handle as you recorded this.

I must admit that I haven't heard the rest of Six Feet Under's back catalogue. I'm not inclined to, either, after hearing you defile such competently-played metal. Why the rest of the band haven't kicked you out by now, I'll never imagine. Jesus, even *I* could growl better than this.

Glad that I didn't shell out actual money for this,

[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus
clappamungus: (Default)
This morning, instead of mooching around the house after dropping Eva off at Nth Melbourne station, I took Jezzy for a walk. She was absolutely ecstatic, as it's unusual for her to get a walk in the morning.

Anyway, after being down at the park for about a quarter of an hour, and her having had a fairly good run, I was about to take her home. But all of a sudden it was like a floodgate opened and a sea of labradors came flooding into the park. They were seeing-eye dogs in training, being supervised by three volunteers. The dogs were all young, all friendly, and all beautiful specimens of labrador. Seriously, about fifteen of them. Jezzy went nuts and had a great time. I almost died of teh cute.

I must go down there more often early in the morning. I actually feel much better for having been out of the house with the dog before skulking off to a day of drudgery at work. And the dog really needed it, as she's alone for most of the day and it's nice to break up her day with a fun morning and a walk in the evening.

To end on a slightly disturbing note, I have been reliably informed that there is such a thing as Fallout Boy fanfic. This unsettles me greatly. As I told my source, I shouldn't have been surprised. This does not stop me from being disturbed, though.
clappamungus: (Default)
So, "Comfortably Numb" comes on the radio in the lab. You know, the Pink Floyd version. Not that mangled version that the Scissor Shitheads recorded.

First, my supervisor, who professes to be a Floyd fan, walks past and says, "Hmm, sounds vaguely Pink Floyd."

Well, DUH.

Then, while I'm arguing with him that it's "Comfortably Numb", off The Wall, one of the other PhDs pipes up indignantly, "but this isn't "Comfortably Numb. It sounds nothing like it!!"

It turns out that the only version she's heard is by the Scissor "Fuck-I-Hate-You-You-Bunch-Of-Prepubescent-Wankers" Sisters. I don't think she even knew that Pink Floyd did it first.

I ask you, what is the world coming to???

If I ever meet the Scissor Sisters I'll tear their throats out.

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