clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Sign up to the Australian Army!
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Don't know the difference between "your" and "you are"? Don't worry! OUR PROOFREADERS DON'T EITHER!!
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Be an illiterate tit with the rest of our fine, fighting soldiers!
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
Why did I think that I would like even early Dragonforce??? I mean, bands that suck right now generally, in my experience, also sucked earlier in their careers too.

Actually, that's not true. In fact, that's the most false statement I've ever made. Whatever. This album sucks and I know this despite the fact that I've only listened to the first song so far.

*head-desk*

Fuck power metal.

Actually, if it were not for the flowery crap in this, I'd probably like it better. That and the fact that they sound like they're sodomising an arcade game when they perform a solo.

Addendum Hm. When they slow down, they're kind of more interesting. But of course, they only do this for a nanosecond before going back to that ridiculously boring galloping speed...

Addendum 2 OH GOD, I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH SIX MORE OF THESE SHITFESTS???? NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE SODOMISING AN ARCADE GAME THAT'S HAVING AN EPILEPTIC FUCKING FIT.

That's it. If anyone admits to liking this band, I'm hunting them down and disembowelling them.

Addednum 3 Ok, there have been two songs that I'd listen to again. "Starfire" and "Disciples of Babylon" - because they have a bit more...what's that magic word? Oh yeah. VARIETY.

Addendum 4 Alright, fine. I grudgingly admit that the latter half of this album is better than the first half. Still derivative and mostly too fast for its own good, and I want to kill that godawful vocalist with barbeque tongs, but the latter half is definitely more interesting than the first half. I really don't know why they decided to stick with the first-half style than the latter-half style for future albums, but meh...

Here ends my rambling.
clappamungus: (Hug?)
Today, I drove to band practise in Hallam (for Lord Mouth, not Left of Crazy. Oh yeah, the metal band is now called Lord Mouth. I like it; blow me if you don't). Anyway, I made sure I got out of the house early. Early enough to swing by my local café and get a flat white, and yet still be able to drive into Hallam on time.

I forgot about Murphy's Law. Actually, no. I forgot about STUPID FUCKING ROAD WORKS/WORKERS OF FUCKING STUPID FESTERING IN A MASSIVE FUCKING CAULDRON OF GODDAMN STUPID...

As I pulled onto the freeway onramp just past Chadstone (big mall, for those of you not from Oz), what should have been relatively smooth sailing on the freeway was all of a sudden halted by a big fuck-off wall of traffic. Kinda like this:
Traffic jam of DOOM

I know it's not that easy to see the big line of traffic disappearing off into the horizon, but trust me, it's there. This photo was taken after I'd already been incrementally inching forward, in fits and starts, my clutch really not liking these little movements forward, for quite some time. The first time I've regretted buying a manual car...

And, of course, I couldn't back out of the freeway entrance. So I had to wait.

And wait.

And wait some fucking more.

This is on a Sunday morning, mind you. This is also after I made sure I would get to Hallam early.

I waited a hell of a long time, getting (as you can imagine) angrier and angrier by the passing nanosecond, as traffic inched forward and people ducked and weaved (or crept and crawled) into and out of lanes and refused to let other people in.

After about twenty minutes, I saw what was causing this ridiculous Sunday morning traffic jam:

FUCKWITT SIGN ON FREEWAY


They were funnelling THREE FOUR FUCKING LANES ON A FREEWAY INTO ONE. And you can tell on the sign that it's not done too many times, as the third contemptuous "NO LANE" sign has been added on rather amateurishly.

I could not believe it. Of all the goddamned bone-headed things to do. Why they couldn't close down two at the most, work on that bit of road, then close the other two off is utterly beyond me. It took all I had in me to not roll down my window as I passed the moronic road workers, all stereotypically lounging around on their bit of blocked-off bitumen, and yell a few choice words about them being over-unionised fucktarded cockspanks etc etc...

You know what made it even worse? After it was too late to do anything about, I turned on the radio and caught a traffic report, which helpfully informed me of this: "...traffic is banked up all along the Monash Freeway due to roadworks, so please choose an alternate route."

GAH...guess I'll be listening to traffic reports from now on.

Yeah, I'm still cranky about it. I'm an elephant. No, fuck that: I'm a hate camel. And my hate hump has been filled; should last me a long time.

Oh yeah, and of course I was ridiculously late for band practise. My plans are foiled YET AGAIN. I hate you, Murphy.
clappamungus: (Headbangin' Skeleton)


IT'S MY 666TH POST

.....YES, THIS POST IS SATAN APPROVED.



BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S 100% KING DIAMOND APPROVED. THIS MAN IS INFINITELY MORE SATANIC THAN SATAN


....ahem. Now back to your regularly scheduled whingefests.
clappamungus: (Douse)
Dear Waking The Cadaver,

Just. Fucking. Die.

You are a disgrace to humanity, on every level. Musically, morally, and in the name of sheer taste.

On a musical level - I decided not to listen to the tr00 metalheads and give you a chance. I regret even considering doing that. Your music is either abominably boring and slow or worse, abominably boring and too fast for your stoned arses to keep up with. Your excessive use of breakdowns would make a metalcore band angry. If I hear one more sustained, super-detuned chord again, I will perform sepukku. You have no idea how to craft a good riff and your "vocalist" is laughable. YOUR DRUMMER CANNOT KEEP TIME. PLAYING BLASTBEATS DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT YOU ARE A GOOD DRUMMER, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE TARD.

In a taste/moral capacity - the only saving grave about your lyrics is that I cannot hear them because of that stupid cunt you call a vocalist pig squealing. The less that's said about tracks (I refuse to call them "songs") with titles like "Raped, Pillaged and Gutted", the better, you sick, twisted wastes of oxygen. At least when Cannibal Corpse does it, it's ironic.

I sincerely hope you pull too many bongs and have a horrendous "accident" somewhere in a New Jersey landfill.

Actually, fuck it, I'll spell it out for you - I hope you end up a victim of a deranged fan (okay, a more deranged fan, since I can't see how anybody with an ounce of sanity can like this crusty shit you call music) who wants to emulate your lyrical content on you. Yes, all of you.

Now I'm off to listen to some good death metal. You know, stuff that's actually well-written. Yes, you pitiful shitheads, it exists. See below.

No love, ever,
[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus

P.S. All fans of this excrement (br00tal scenesters, I'd imagine) - I wish upon you the same fate as I have outlined above for your heroes.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
"Hark! The Herald Angels sing..." FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's weird. When we were in Europe last year, where it was cold, yet oddly appropriate, I didn't mind Christmas so much. In fact, I think a part of me even looked forward to it.

Back here, I find it an appalling holiday of shitness, and every time I walk into a store, be it a supermarket, grog or speciality store, they're PLAYING FUCKING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

I don't care if Christ was born in Bethlehem. Nor do I give a crap what your true love gave you on the gajillionth day of Christmas. I wish it were a hand grenade with the pin pulled, so it would have blown you the fuck up and I wouldn't have to hear that godawful song ever again.

So. Christmas can fuck off and die in a rancid alley with a slow-bleeding gunshot wound to the goolies.

That is all.

Bugger

Nov. 18th, 2008 11:00 pm
clappamungus: (Emogency)
There's a (presumably) cop helicopter circling outside. This is crap for a few reasons:

a) It means they're looking for someone dodgy. NEAR MY HOUSE. (and no, you smart-arses, it isn't me)

b) I can't put the dog out, because she'll get it into her head to bark like mad at the intruding helicopter, which MIGHT EVEN ATTRACT THE DODGY CHARACTER CLOSER TO THE HOUSE.

c) Because I can't put the dog out, I can't go to sleep yet. And let's face it - I know there's a dodgy character out there somewhere so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

Gah.

Oh yeah - and I have hayfever something chronic. Double Gah.
clappamungus: (Lab Rats)
(sung to the tune of Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak")

This morning, I went to do something nice for the dog, and stepped in dog shit for my trouble.

IN MY UGG BOOT, WHICH MEANS IT'S DOUBLY DIFFICULT TO CLEAN.

Gah fuckit.

I can't really be cross at her, though, because she's looking up at me with those adorable dimwitted eyes of hers - in between driving me insane with her penchant for stealing random objects and attempting to chew them to shreds.

Oh yeah - we've figured out that, in addition to women with headscarves, she doesn't like fat people. I mean truly obese people like those who live a couple of doors down. Or people who limp.

Anyway, off to work and my no doubt crap day.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Dear Mycobacterium ulcerans,

HOW CAN YOU BE AT AN (extrapolated) OD 600nm OF 6.1 AND STILL BE FUCKING GROWING?????????

Seriously, it has been 84 SODDING DAYS !!! REACH STATIONARY PHASE ALREADY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I cannot wait to autoclave you.

Yours, in greatest health (but PLEASE DIE ALREADY),
Me.

PS. I'm going home. I've had enough of today.
clappamungus: (Emogency)
Dear ex-Favourite Café,

I have a routine. When my routine is messed up, it messes up my whole day.

I know it was a free coffee that I got (oh, Buy-5-Get-1-Free cards and how they rock my world). However, this does not give you the right to give me a freaking SMALL CAPPUCCINO in place of a MEDIUM FLAT WHITE. I have been going to you guys in the morning for almost 6 months to get my MEDIUM FLAT WHITE. So much so that I usually say "the usual please." Which is what I did this morning. HOW THE HOLY HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO FUCK IT UP SO ROYALLY??

I realise that in the big scheme of things, this is not a major world-changing event. Yes, global warming, world poverty, China taking over everything soon. I know. All major impending crises. However, I can deal with these in my own headspace IF MY COFFEE IS GOOD. THIS MORNING IT WAS NOT GOOD. IN FACT IT WAS NOT A COFFEE AT ALL*. And then, instead of apologising for the fuck-up, the woman who made it stared at me with this incomprehensible look and said "oh, sorry", like it was MY fault that she'd buggered up my order.

Fuckers. Now I have to go and face the day without my full complement of caffeine.

I'm giving you one more chance, and if I see no improvement...well. I'll just have to go to another café, won't I? SEE IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU STUPID MONGERS.

No love whatsoever, because every now and then you burn the sodding milk too,
[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus

* Peanut gallery: I will hear no comments about how "meh meh meh, cappucino is coffee, you elitist scum." Maybe it was coffee once, before they put all that horrible non-frothed milk and chocolate powder in it.

GRARGH.

Jul. 21st, 2008 08:55 am
clappamungus: (Douse)
FUCK. THIS. CUNTING. RAIN. AND. COLD. DAMP. SHIT. MISERABLE. FUCKING. WEATHER.

Edit
Well, okay, someone up there must have heard me...because the sun's out...

GAH WHAT?

May. 28th, 2008 09:42 pm
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
Dear Metallica,

Fuck you

It's now official. You are not a metal band anymore. You're a self-serving, well-oiled marketing machine for scenester kiddies.

Oh you're sooooo bad and brvtal with your "New S@%!" tagline. Oh, and Kirk Hammett has found the high end of the guitar neck again. Good for him. And hey, the production is better. It couldn't have been much worse. Oh, and Hetfield and Ulrich are getting on now. Isn't that nice? Woot for them. Ulrich still needs a click track though. It's amazing that a drummer, who's supposed to know rhythm, needs a FUCKING CLICK TRACK.

The sight of your fattened arses going through the motions makes me want to vomit. Your new stuff sounds like a the bastard child of your attempt to formulate a few token thrash riffs and the steaming pile of hogwash that was your Load and Reload crud. STOP TRYING TO PLACE A BET EVERY WHICH WAY AND CHOOSE A SUB-GENRE, YOU STUPID OLD CUNTS.

I'm certainly not going to feel any guilt when I download your new album rather than shelling out $30 for it. I hope it hurts, Lar$, you fuckwad. And I guarantee you, it won't be just me. I doubt that any self-respecting metal fan (hell, any remaining self-respecting Metallica fan) would part with $1 for your latest drivel.

Eat shit and die, you bunch of posers,

[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
I HATE WRITING THESE FUCKING SOPs!!!!!!

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