Mar. 25th, 2010 09:10 am
clappamungus: (Hug?)
I tried to turn over a new leaf this morning. So I got up very early.

I took a shower, even had breakfast quickly, and was out of the house by 20 past 7.

I was confronted by a wall of traffic - and I mean a fucking WALL - about halfway there. That good ol' turn onto the Chandler Highway...what the fuck is with that goddamned road? A series of twists and turns lengthened my journey by only 5 or so minutes, but my god it put me in a foul mood.

I got to work at 8.

And since then I've been sitting here, brain dead at my computer, staring blearily at the screen and sipping (and grimacing) at the worst coffee I've had in a long time.

I don't think this early morning crap is for me.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
...nor a devil. If such an entity did exist, he wouldn't allow His Unholy Genre to be abused in such a manner:

Behold: An industrial black/death (whatever the fuck that sounds like [no, I'm not going to the MySpace. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!]) one-man band whose lyrical themes are...Harry Potter.

Yes, that's right. A metal band about HARRY. FUCKING. POTTER.

Metal is truly dying a slow, painful death.
clappamungus: (Headbangin' skeleton)
Short Version
Dear Dave Mustaine and co.

Brilliant set, lads. You haven't lost it at all, Dave. At least, not live.


Sincerely, Me

Dear Tom Araya, Jeff Hanneman, Kerry King and Dave Lombardo,

You owe me $45.

Sincerely, Me

Long Version
Tonight I went to Festy Hall to see the big double-billed Megadeth and Slayer concert. )
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Dear Hollywood,

You should be nuked for this.

Thanks for continuing to take the few things that were good from my childhood and ruthlessly crushing them underfoot.

No love in the slightest,

PS. George Clooney, I hope you die in a napalm shower.
clappamungus: (Kill Him!)
I just sent the following email to Steve Fielding's email address, regarding his "extremely well-informed decision" (there's a reason that this is in quotations) to block the government's emissions trading scheme.

Dear Steve... )

That felt...gooooooood...

I know it won't accomplish anything.

But it felt goooooooood.
clappamungus: (Douse)
It's a bit tragic that I'm only hearing about The CHK-CHK-BOOM! girl just now, isn't it?

I suppose I don't really watch the news anymore. Though that's probably because what passes for news these days would make The National Enquirer look like a quality rag.

And, incidentally, this is why I hate bogans.

Correction: I hate media-savvy bogans.
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
Why did I think that I would like even early Dragonforce??? I mean, bands that suck right now generally, in my experience, also sucked earlier in their careers too.

Actually, that's not true. In fact, that's the most false statement I've ever made. Whatever. This album sucks and I know this despite the fact that I've only listened to the first song so far.


Fuck power metal.

Actually, if it were not for the flowery crap in this, I'd probably like it better. That and the fact that they sound like they're sodomising an arcade game when they perform a solo.

Addendum Hm. When they slow down, they're kind of more interesting. But of course, they only do this for a nanosecond before going back to that ridiculously boring galloping speed...


That's it. If anyone admits to liking this band, I'm hunting them down and disembowelling them.

Addednum 3 Ok, there have been two songs that I'd listen to again. "Starfire" and "Disciples of Babylon" - because they have a bit more...what's that magic word? Oh yeah. VARIETY.

Addendum 4 Alright, fine. I grudgingly admit that the latter half of this album is better than the first half. Still derivative and mostly too fast for its own good, and I want to kill that godawful vocalist with barbeque tongs, but the latter half is definitely more interesting than the first half. I really don't know why they decided to stick with the first-half style than the latter-half style for future albums, but meh...

Here ends my rambling.
clappamungus: (Hug?)
Today, I drove to band practise in Hallam (for Lord Mouth, not Left of Crazy. Oh yeah, the metal band is now called Lord Mouth. I like it; blow me if you don't). Anyway, I made sure I got out of the house early. Early enough to swing by my local café and get a flat white, and yet still be able to drive into Hallam on time.


As I pulled onto the freeway onramp just past Chadstone (big mall, for those of you not from Oz), what should have been relatively smooth sailing on the freeway was all of a sudden halted by a big fuck-off wall of traffic. Kinda like this:
Traffic jam of DOOM

I know it's not that easy to see the big line of traffic disappearing off into the horizon, but trust me, it's there. This photo was taken after I'd already been incrementally inching forward, in fits and starts, my clutch really not liking these little movements forward, for quite some time. The first time I've regretted buying a manual car...

And, of course, I couldn't back out of the freeway entrance. So I had to wait.

And wait.

And wait some fucking more.

This is on a Sunday morning, mind you. This is also after I made sure I would get to Hallam early.

I waited a hell of a long time, getting (as you can imagine) angrier and angrier by the passing nanosecond, as traffic inched forward and people ducked and weaved (or crept and crawled) into and out of lanes and refused to let other people in.

After about twenty minutes, I saw what was causing this ridiculous Sunday morning traffic jam:


They were funnelling THREE FOUR FUCKING LANES ON A FREEWAY INTO ONE. And you can tell on the sign that it's not done too many times, as the third contemptuous "NO LANE" sign has been added on rather amateurishly.

I could not believe it. Of all the goddamned bone-headed things to do. Why they couldn't close down two at the most, work on that bit of road, then close the other two off is utterly beyond me. It took all I had in me to not roll down my window as I passed the moronic road workers, all stereotypically lounging around on their bit of blocked-off bitumen, and yell a few choice words about them being over-unionised fucktarded cockspanks etc etc...

You know what made it even worse? After it was too late to do anything about, I turned on the radio and caught a traffic report, which helpfully informed me of this: "...traffic is banked up all along the Monash Freeway due to roadworks, so please choose an alternate route."

GAH...guess I'll be listening to traffic reports from now on.

Yeah, I'm still cranky about it. I'm an elephant. No, fuck that: I'm a hate camel. And my hate hump has been filled; should last me a long time.

Oh yeah, and of course I was ridiculously late for band practise. My plans are foiled YET AGAIN. I hate you, Murphy.
clappamungus: (Kill Him!)
I've been avoiding the TV and print news because of the bushfire coverage. Not because I don't care - I do. The enormity of it hit me today. I'd been hearing the body count rising and somehow I didn't actually realise what it meant.

The official toll is over 170. The unofficial toll is twice that.

And all the while, as the fires keep on burning, the media machine keeps on rolling.

They poke their intrusive cameras into people's relief at finding their loved ones. People crying as they tell us they've lost family members and friends. They ask stupid questions like "how does it feel?" They drag out the agony for these people, feasting on every drop of anguish, knowing that it translates into ratings. They use hyperbolic language to describe something that's already unable to be exaggerated. They show photos of the dead and presumed dead, and ask those worried family members the most personal questions. They catch all the tears on camera, record every last sob.

The print media run "Special Editions" entitled "Victoria's Blackest Day".

The dark glee underneath it all makes me sick.


I do feel utter admiration for those unbelievably brave people who are out there fighting these fires. And people like a good friend who's working with the air ambulance officers.

And I wish there was something I could do.

Thanks, [ profile] insomnius, for posting that information about donations and the like.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
"Hark! The Herald Angels sing..." FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's weird. When we were in Europe last year, where it was cold, yet oddly appropriate, I didn't mind Christmas so much. In fact, I think a part of me even looked forward to it.

Back here, I find it an appalling holiday of shitness, and every time I walk into a store, be it a supermarket, grog or speciality store, they're PLAYING FUCKING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

I don't care if Christ was born in Bethlehem. Nor do I give a crap what your true love gave you on the gajillionth day of Christmas. I wish it were a hand grenade with the pin pulled, so it would have blown you the fuck up and I wouldn't have to hear that godawful song ever again.

So. Christmas can fuck off and die in a rancid alley with a slow-bleeding gunshot wound to the goolies.

That is all.
clappamungus: (Default)
Today's been a bit of a write-off so far.

I took the day off so I could work on this review and take in my car for its complimentary service. Driving to Brighton through the city at 1.30 pm was about as fun as swallowing razor blades. I forgot that every fool and his canine companion come out and drive in the CBD at lunch time, most likely getting the canine companion to drive, judging by some of the driving performances I was subjected to. And again, after I'd cleared the CBD, they'd decided to close off two fucking lanes on Kingsway between the Yarra and Queens Parade, funneling everyone into the other lanes. I barely made it at 2 pm.

Well, I did make it, got Shiny inspected and washed. It is shiny again. At least until the next bird has a diarrhoea attack on it. Then made small talk with the nice girl who showed me back to the car (which I am no freaking good at, so I don't know why I even try), got in and drove back. The drive back was much more pleasant.

Anyway, the point of this post: I had Eva's computer with me so I could do some work in the dealership, and on the drive back, I put it on the front seat. Now, my new car has all these bells and whistles. It beeps at odd times, and most of the time I have no bloody idea what's going on. So, all of a sudden, over the loud strains of music, I hear this beeping, and I'm wondering, "Huh?" And then I see that the light warning that someone isn't wearing their seatbelt is flashing.

And I realise that the dumb fuck car has detected the weight of the computer in the front seat and thinks it's a person. NOT WEARING HIS/HER SEATBELT...OH NOEZ!

I'll never get used to these newfangled cars.


Meanwhile, I'm getting no bloody work done. I think I'll take Jezzy for a walk. It'll probably be more productive.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)

Get. Cunted.

No fucking love whatsoever, you overcomplicated, ridiculous piece of SHIT of a system,

(P.S. Oh, and please, PLEASE, someone start arguing with me that it's a "FREAKIN' AWESOME ACCOUNTING SYSTEM, DOOD", so I can have the pleasure of forcing you onto the ground and defecating into your eyes. Not thinking of anyone in particular here, no no no. Oh, wait, this particular tard doesn't read my LJ. Oh well.)
clappamungus: (Douse)
Dear Chris Barnes,

You suck. Really. You suck something fierce.

Six Feet Under's new album would be awesome - if it were not for you sounding like you're constipated throughout the entire thing. I mean, I know death metal growls are incomprehensible and weird-sounding to the uninitiated at the best of times - but when a death metal fan cringes at the abomination that is your effort, there's something really wrong. Actually, "effort" is too strong a word. "Defecation" is more appropriate.

You know what? I take it back. It doesn't sound like you're constipated - it sounds like someone was fucking you over the recording desk with a broken broom handle as you recorded this.

I must admit that I haven't heard the rest of Six Feet Under's back catalogue. I'm not inclined to, either, after hearing you defile such competently-played metal. Why the rest of the band haven't kicked you out by now, I'll never imagine. Jesus, even *I* could growl better than this.

Glad that I didn't shell out actual money for this,

[ profile] clappamungus
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Sometimes, I wonder if people can read.

Article under the cut as well. )

Yes, ok, it offended your Christian sensibilities. Yes, it was immature subject matter. However, there was a warning sign outside the gallery. If you're offended by Jesus with a cock, why did you go and see the exhibition? Other people don't share your offense. And, actually, there have been artworks (of a sort) that depicted Mohammed in an unflattering light. That isn't the fucking issue here. Why do these dopey God-botherers decide that it's a pissing contest between artists and their ability to take the mickey out of various religions??? I actually doubt if this artist's aim was to piss off Christians specifically - I just think he's obsessed with erect penises. Note that he also put them on Mickey Mouse. Do you see Disney suing Koh? No. So get some perspective, you fucking twat.

Maybe I should sue all the Creationist museums for offending my sense of sanity. Yes, I know these two are not (necessarily) linked, but my mind works on tangents like that.

EDIT As a sign of how annoyed I am about this, I've had to edit this post about five times due to typos and layout mess-ups.
clappamungus: (Default)
From The Age (click) today:

Basically, four scumbag racist bogan pieces of shit from the Melton area decided to take it upon themselves to beat the crap out of a Sudanese kid. Just for kicks. No apparent reason. They even admitted this to the cops. And sent an SMS to the brother of the guy they'd bashed, which helped get the dumb fucks implicated in the first place. Of course, one of them (the charming young man in the picture above, Shane Psaila) said: "He's a bitch and he shouldn't even be in the country." Forgetting, of course, the fact that his own lineage is Greek. Ignorant fucking moron.

But do you know what enrages me even more than this disgusting display of racial hatred? The fact that Psaila's lawyer said: "(My client's) lack of schooling has robbed him of a value system", and therefore somehow excuses him from these actions.

Oh really? "Lack of schooling" is to blame for the fact that this bogan cunt is a racist, violent should-have-been-aborted, does it??

I know that his lawyer has to defend him. I also know that I am sick to death of this shifting of blame mentality. Pedophile? Must have been abused as a kid. Thief? Had a bad upbringing. Racist? Doesn't know any better because no one told him otherwise. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

I don't know what it is about racially motivated crimes that make me so angry. But I look at the picture of that son of a bitch above and I seriously wouldn't mind a shot at him. I know it's because they managed to get a picture of the wanker when he was at his most vile looking, but still...

I also know that I would not blame these Sudanese kids if they got together a few mates and went around to these arseholes' houses and systematically pounded the living bejesus out of them. In fact, I almost hope they do just that.
clappamungus: (Emogency)
Dear ex-Favourite Café,

I have a routine. When my routine is messed up, it messes up my whole day.

I know it was a free coffee that I got (oh, Buy-5-Get-1-Free cards and how they rock my world). However, this does not give you the right to give me a freaking SMALL CAPPUCCINO in place of a MEDIUM FLAT WHITE. I have been going to you guys in the morning for almost 6 months to get my MEDIUM FLAT WHITE. So much so that I usually say "the usual please." Which is what I did this morning. HOW THE HOLY HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO FUCK IT UP SO ROYALLY??

I realise that in the big scheme of things, this is not a major world-changing event. Yes, global warming, world poverty, China taking over everything soon. I know. All major impending crises. However, I can deal with these in my own headspace IF MY COFFEE IS GOOD. THIS MORNING IT WAS NOT GOOD. IN FACT IT WAS NOT A COFFEE AT ALL*. And then, instead of apologising for the fuck-up, the woman who made it stared at me with this incomprehensible look and said "oh, sorry", like it was MY fault that she'd buggered up my order.

Fuckers. Now I have to go and face the day without my full complement of caffeine.

I'm giving you one more chance, and if I see no improvement...well. I'll just have to go to another café, won't I? SEE IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU STUPID MONGERS.

No love whatsoever, because every now and then you burn the sodding milk too,
[ profile] clappamungus

* Peanut gallery: I will hear no comments about how "meh meh meh, cappucino is coffee, you elitist scum." Maybe it was coffee once, before they put all that horrible non-frothed milk and chocolate powder in it.


May. 28th, 2008 09:42 pm
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
Dear Metallica,

Fuck you

It's now official. You are not a metal band anymore. You're a self-serving, well-oiled marketing machine for scenester kiddies.

Oh you're sooooo bad and brvtal with your "New S@%!" tagline. Oh, and Kirk Hammett has found the high end of the guitar neck again. Good for him. And hey, the production is better. It couldn't have been much worse. Oh, and Hetfield and Ulrich are getting on now. Isn't that nice? Woot for them. Ulrich still needs a click track though. It's amazing that a drummer, who's supposed to know rhythm, needs a FUCKING CLICK TRACK.

The sight of your fattened arses going through the motions makes me want to vomit. Your new stuff sounds like a the bastard child of your attempt to formulate a few token thrash riffs and the steaming pile of hogwash that was your Load and Reload crud. STOP TRYING TO PLACE A BET EVERY WHICH WAY AND CHOOSE A SUB-GENRE, YOU STUPID OLD CUNTS.

I'm certainly not going to feel any guilt when I download your new album rather than shelling out $30 for it. I hope it hurts, Lar$, you fuckwad. And I guarantee you, it won't be just me. I doubt that any self-respecting metal fan (hell, any remaining self-respecting Metallica fan) would part with $1 for your latest drivel.

Eat shit and die, you bunch of posers,

[ profile] clappamungus
clappamungus: (Kill Him!)
Dear U.S. Customs Officials in Buttfuck U.S.A. (aka, Charlotte, North Carolina, U.S.A),

I love the fact that I was kept in an office for over an hour with Guatemalans and couples who had adopted Guatemalan babies for no apparent reason, almost missing my connecting flight to New York. I also am heartily guffawing at the fact that you told nothing to my worried girlfriend, who had to sit in a corridor in your shitty little airport and wait for me, but then you wouldn't tell her what was going on or whether or not I'd be allowed to pass through into your venerated country.

I love the fact that you're so interested in what I am doing here, and what my job is, and what I plan to do after I return to Australia. Even thought it's none of your goddamned business if I happen to circumcise kittens wthout anaesthetic. And then you have the gall to tell me that it's law that I have to enter the U.S. with $200, even though this is stated nowhere and I've asked a U.S. citizen since then of the veracity of this, and he has also been confused. I also love the fact that there was not one word of explanation or apology as to why I had been detained. Thanks to you, we almost missed our flight. I suppose if that had happened, you would have done nothing to help us either. And all the while, while one of you chicken fuckers was asking me things I'd already been asked, I was staring at your retard's President's smiling mug hanging on the wall.

You have no idea how close I was to actually doing something that would have got me locked up and/or deported.

In short, I hope every single fucking one of you gets raped and mauled by a pack of rabid pitbulls. Slowly.

All my love,

[ profile] clappamungus
clappamungus: (Douse)
So here I am at my computer in my corral in the office. Writing. Getting somewhere...

At least, I was. And then the goddamn alarm to the building started going off EVERY 2 FUCKING MINUTES!!!!!!!!!

Unbelievable. Why it's doing this, I have no idea. No one's trying to break in. I've checked. It's obviously malfunctioning as it...OH FUCK THERE IT GOES AGAIN!!!...sounds very sick. Think Jimi Hendrix feedback reversed and dragged out even further than it was in Star Spangled Banner. That's fine if Jimi's doing it, but not when a sick alarm's doing it...

If I have to listen to it one more time I'm going to crack the sads in a major way. Therefore I'm capitulating and going home to write there.

I'll update properly when I have the time/inclination.
clappamungus: (Kill Him!)
[ profile] jpom40 asked me an interesting question yesterday. If I were Dante, who would inhabit my levels of hell?

Well, I know who would be in the level where people are flayed alive for eternity:

All the bastards who ever had anything to do with the design of Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator or Acrobat.



clappamungus: (Default)

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