clappamungus: (Lil' Johnny)
[livejournal.com profile] boh_thrashsody, [livejournal.com profile] saithkar and [livejournal.com profile] quoththecraven have all written some interesting and useful pieces on the clusterfuck known as this year's Australian federal election.

For my money, it's a bland, uninteresting and disappointing politician versus a complete and utter cunt. They're both playing the populist game and I want none of it.

Here's a Crikey piece which sums up my feelings on media coverage of this farce and pollsters and their stupidity. That's probably all I'm going to say about this election, apart from this: if Abbott gets in as PM, it will destroy any remaining respect I have for the electoral process. It will confirm that me and my kind (i.e. sane people) are far outnumbered by the cretinous unwashed bogan hordes who, for some reason, still have the right to breed and vote.

And I will seriously consider leaving the country. <===NOT A JOKE OR A HASTY PROCLAMATION.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Sign up to the Australian Army!
Photobucket


Don't know the difference between "your" and "you are"? Don't worry! OUR PROOFREADERS DON'T EITHER!!
Photobucket


Be an illiterate tit with the rest of our fine, fighting soldiers!
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
clappamungus: (Kill Him!)
I just sent the following email to Steve Fielding's email address, regarding his "extremely well-informed decision" (there's a reason that this is in quotations) to block the government's emissions trading scheme.

Dear Steve... )

That felt...gooooooood...

I know it won't accomplish anything.

But it felt goooooooood.
clappamungus: (Douse)
It's a bit tragic that I'm only hearing about The CHK-CHK-BOOM! girl just now, isn't it?

I suppose I don't really watch the news anymore. Though that's probably because what passes for news these days would make The National Enquirer look like a quality rag.

And, incidentally, this is why I hate bogans.


Correction: I hate media-savvy bogans.
clappamungus: (Drawn Together - Toot)
Trust me, you want to click this.

Ah, internet forums. Where would procrastinating plebs like me be without you?
clappamungus: (Hug?)
Today, I drove to band practise in Hallam (for Lord Mouth, not Left of Crazy. Oh yeah, the metal band is now called Lord Mouth. I like it; blow me if you don't). Anyway, I made sure I got out of the house early. Early enough to swing by my local café and get a flat white, and yet still be able to drive into Hallam on time.

I forgot about Murphy's Law. Actually, no. I forgot about STUPID FUCKING ROAD WORKS/WORKERS OF FUCKING STUPID FESTERING IN A MASSIVE FUCKING CAULDRON OF GODDAMN STUPID...

As I pulled onto the freeway onramp just past Chadstone (big mall, for those of you not from Oz), what should have been relatively smooth sailing on the freeway was all of a sudden halted by a big fuck-off wall of traffic. Kinda like this:
Traffic jam of DOOM

I know it's not that easy to see the big line of traffic disappearing off into the horizon, but trust me, it's there. This photo was taken after I'd already been incrementally inching forward, in fits and starts, my clutch really not liking these little movements forward, for quite some time. The first time I've regretted buying a manual car...

And, of course, I couldn't back out of the freeway entrance. So I had to wait.

And wait.

And wait some fucking more.

This is on a Sunday morning, mind you. This is also after I made sure I would get to Hallam early.

I waited a hell of a long time, getting (as you can imagine) angrier and angrier by the passing nanosecond, as traffic inched forward and people ducked and weaved (or crept and crawled) into and out of lanes and refused to let other people in.

After about twenty minutes, I saw what was causing this ridiculous Sunday morning traffic jam:

FUCKWITT SIGN ON FREEWAY


They were funnelling THREE FOUR FUCKING LANES ON A FREEWAY INTO ONE. And you can tell on the sign that it's not done too many times, as the third contemptuous "NO LANE" sign has been added on rather amateurishly.

I could not believe it. Of all the goddamned bone-headed things to do. Why they couldn't close down two at the most, work on that bit of road, then close the other two off is utterly beyond me. It took all I had in me to not roll down my window as I passed the moronic road workers, all stereotypically lounging around on their bit of blocked-off bitumen, and yell a few choice words about them being over-unionised fucktarded cockspanks etc etc...

You know what made it even worse? After it was too late to do anything about, I turned on the radio and caught a traffic report, which helpfully informed me of this: "...traffic is banked up all along the Monash Freeway due to roadworks, so please choose an alternate route."

GAH...guess I'll be listening to traffic reports from now on.

Yeah, I'm still cranky about it. I'm an elephant. No, fuck that: I'm a hate camel. And my hate hump has been filled; should last me a long time.

Oh yeah, and of course I was ridiculously late for band practise. My plans are foiled YET AGAIN. I hate you, Murphy.
clappamungus: (Jesus)
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear. Oh deary deary me.

Yes, cryptic post is crpytic. Not very interesting either, so move on...
clappamungus: (Douse)
(A few of you have already heard this story, but it bears repeating for all the internets to see!)

Eva's brother-in-law's friend is a teacher in a Western suburbs school. As you can imagine, he swims in the sea of bogan stupid every day.

One of the children he teaches is named this:

Le'ah

How do you think one would pronounce that name?

"Le ar"? "Lee a"?

"leeeee-ar"?

No. You'd be wrong.

It's:

"le dash ah"

.......

Yes. Speak it out loud. LE. DASH. AH.

Mandatory sterilisation for people who cannot pass a simple intelligence test. This is what I advocate...nay, demand.
clappamungus: (Douse)
Dear Waking The Cadaver,

Just. Fucking. Die.

You are a disgrace to humanity, on every level. Musically, morally, and in the name of sheer taste.

On a musical level - I decided not to listen to the tr00 metalheads and give you a chance. I regret even considering doing that. Your music is either abominably boring and slow or worse, abominably boring and too fast for your stoned arses to keep up with. Your excessive use of breakdowns would make a metalcore band angry. If I hear one more sustained, super-detuned chord again, I will perform sepukku. You have no idea how to craft a good riff and your "vocalist" is laughable. YOUR DRUMMER CANNOT KEEP TIME. PLAYING BLASTBEATS DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT YOU ARE A GOOD DRUMMER, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE TARD.

In a taste/moral capacity - the only saving grave about your lyrics is that I cannot hear them because of that stupid cunt you call a vocalist pig squealing. The less that's said about tracks (I refuse to call them "songs") with titles like "Raped, Pillaged and Gutted", the better, you sick, twisted wastes of oxygen. At least when Cannibal Corpse does it, it's ironic.

I sincerely hope you pull too many bongs and have a horrendous "accident" somewhere in a New Jersey landfill.

Actually, fuck it, I'll spell it out for you - I hope you end up a victim of a deranged fan (okay, a more deranged fan, since I can't see how anybody with an ounce of sanity can like this crusty shit you call music) who wants to emulate your lyrical content on you. Yes, all of you.

Now I'm off to listen to some good death metal. You know, stuff that's actually well-written. Yes, you pitiful shitheads, it exists. See below.

No love, ever,
[livejournal.com profile] clappamungus

P.S. All fans of this excrement (br00tal scenesters, I'd imagine) - I wish upon you the same fate as I have outlined above for your heroes.
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
I'd never actually seen this clip - and neither had Keith Olbermann...

Warning - turkey slaughter ahead.



Holy shit. Not even in the interests of good taste did she think it was a wise move not to be filmed in front of a turkey killing machine, while it was doing the job it was designed for.

It's almost enough to make me vegetarian. Almost.

Oh GOD!

Oct. 27th, 2008 06:52 pm
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Dear Brain,

Fuck you. Why the hell did you suddenly start reciting John "King -of-Rock-WHAT-THE-FUCK?" Farnham's "You're the Voice" over and over and over and over????

Go to hell.

No love,
Me.
clappamungus: (Jesus)
Them damn foreigners are to blame for this, I tells ya!

And for the link-o-phobics )

Yes, all TROO BLOOO AUSSIES men and women who love this country. Take up arms against this ragtag hooligan mob who dare to say our flag is "offensive". Kick 'em out! The dirty darkies don't belong here, anyway! They're not TROO OSTRAAAAAYAN.

/sarcastic rant. I have nothing else to say. Well, except for this:

I thought that a news article, even in a tabloid-style internet news forum, was supposed to be presented in an impartial manner. Well, okay, I never really thought that, but it's a nice ideal to live up to.
clappamungus: (Drawn Together - Toot)
From this site
Rusty Crowe's plan to fix the US economy, under the cut )

While my first impulse is to piss myself laughing and go "like, wtf mate?", I don't know enough about economics to determine if this is, on paper, a feasible idea or not. However, the thought of backwoods hillbillies with $US1 million to their names amuses me, yet it also horrifies me. Imagine how many guns a dumb inbred could buy with $1 million....

I'm assuming that Crowe was joking...but this is from the same guy who brought us 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, so I question his comedic judgement.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
Sometimes, I wonder if people can read.

Article under the cut as well. )

Yes, ok, it offended your Christian sensibilities. Yes, it was immature subject matter. However, there was a warning sign outside the gallery. If you're offended by Jesus with a cock, why did you go and see the exhibition? Other people don't share your offense. And, actually, there have been artworks (of a sort) that depicted Mohammed in an unflattering light. That isn't the fucking issue here. Why do these dopey God-botherers decide that it's a pissing contest between artists and their ability to take the mickey out of various religions??? I actually doubt if this artist's aim was to piss off Christians specifically - I just think he's obsessed with erect penises. Note that he also put them on Mickey Mouse. Do you see Disney suing Koh? No. So get some perspective, you fucking twat.

Maybe I should sue all the Creationist museums for offending my sense of sanity. Yes, I know these two are not (necessarily) linked, but my mind works on tangents like that.

EDIT As a sign of how annoyed I am about this, I've had to edit this post about five times due to typos and layout mess-ups.
clappamungus: (Classic *head-desk*)
If this were to happen anywhere in Australia...it would have to happen in South Australia.

Sick, twisted, fucked up....any other adjectives???
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
The wonders of telling kids that sex out of wedlock is evil?
The writer of this article seems to think so...

I suppose the cause is secondary to the scariness of what some of these kids believe. It's even dumber than the use of glad-wrap and an elastic band in place of a condom.
clappamungus: (Douse)
From [livejournal.com profile] useless_facts

I shudder.

I love some of the comments in the abovementioned comm as well.

"Meh meh meh personal preference don't h8 somefink u don't understand waaaah."

You serious? If some tard decides that she wants to look like someone's worst goddamn nightmare, it all of a sudden means that we can't point out that she's, in our humble opinions, a little fucked in the head???

I should really leave that comm. Or troll the fuck out of it.
clappamungus: (Blackadder)
I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

Why do wacky things like this only happen in tiny little hick towns in the middle of nowhere??? Seriously, googlemap it. Tiny place, smack bang in the middle of bloody nowhere. Though the article states Ness City, Texas - it's actually in Kansas. Anyways, digression...

"Police? Yeah, my girlfriend is stuck to the toilet. No really, she's stuck there. Yeah, her ass seems to have grown around the seat. Yeah, funny, ain't it? Yeah, about 2 years. Well, she really had to go, y'know?"

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