The Homicidal Urges

Dear everyone I'm trying to call,

WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONES?????

Yours, in extreme frustration,
clappamungus

Today, I drove to band practise in Hallam (for Lord Mouth, not Left of Crazy. Oh yeah, the metal band is now called Lord Mouth. I like it; blow me if you don't). Anyway, I made sure I got out of the house early. Early enough to swing by my local café and get a flat white, and yet still be able to drive into Hallam on time.

I forgot about Murphy's Law. Actually, no. I forgot about STUPID FUCKING ROAD WORKS/WORKERS OF FUCKING STUPID FESTERING IN A MASSIVE FUCKING CAULDRON OF GODDAMN STUPID...

As I pulled onto the freeway onramp just past Chadstone (big mall, for those of you not from Oz), what should have been relatively smooth sailing on the freeway was all of a sudden halted by a big fuck-off wall of traffic. Kinda like this:

I know it's not that easy to see the big line of traffic disappearing off into the horizon, but trust me, it's there. This photo was taken after I'd already been incrementally inching forward, in fits and starts, my clutch really not liking these little movements forward, for quite some time. The first time I've regretted buying a manual car...

And, of course, I couldn't back out of the freeway entrance. So I had to wait.

And wait.

And wait some fucking more.

This is on a Sunday morning, mind you. This is also after I made sure I would get to Hallam early.

I waited a hell of a long time, getting (as you can imagine) angrier and angrier by the passing nanosecond, as traffic inched forward and people ducked and weaved (or crept and crawled) into and out of lanes and refused to let other people in.

After about twenty minutes, I saw what was causing this ridiculous Sunday morning traffic jam:



They were funnelling THREE FOUR FUCKING LANES ON A FREEWAY INTO ONE. And you can tell on the sign that it's not done too many times, as the third contemptuous "NO LANE" sign has been added on rather amateurishly.

I could not believe it. Of all the goddamned bone-headed things to do. Why they couldn't close down two at the most, work on that bit of road, then close the other two off is utterly beyond me. It took all I had in me to not roll down my window as I passed the moronic road workers, all stereotypically lounging around on their bit of blocked-off bitumen, and yell a few choice words about them being over-unionised fucktarded cockspanks etc etc...

You know what made it even worse? After it was too late to do anything about, I turned on the radio and caught a traffic report, which helpfully informed me of this: "...traffic is banked up all along the Monash Freeway due to roadworks, so please choose an alternate route."

GAH...guess I'll be listening to traffic reports from now on.

Yeah, I'm still cranky about it. I'm an elephant. No, fuck that: I'm a hate camel. And my hate hump has been filled; should last me a long time.

Oh yeah, and of course I was ridiculously late for band practise. My plans are foiled YET AGAIN. I hate you, Murphy.

My father told me about this last night: yet another Sri Lankan journalist killed by (probably) the Sri Lankan government, for not toeing the official line about the ongoing crimes and corruption of said government. In this case, though, he very spookily predicted his own death in an editorial he wrote before he was shot by an unidentified gunman, published after his death.

Here is his editorial in the paper he cofounded 15 years ago, The Sunday Leader. ( And under the cut here, for the link-phobics and in case the government manages to take it down from the Leader site. They probably won't, but just in case. )

And here is a TIME article about Wickrematunga and his death.

I haven't been keeping abreast of the news in Sri Lanka. I now find this unspeakably sad, and for the first time in a while, I am unspeakably angry about what's going on there. The fact that if my parents had chosen to stay there that I would be in the middle of it makes me extremely grateful that they chose to leave.

Rest in peace, Lasantha Wickrematunge. You were a truly brave man, and I hope to god that what you fought so hard for will one day come to fruition, and that the criminals you spoke out against, and who were responsible for your death, are brought to justice.

Dear Amazon,

Go and get fucked.

Love,
Me.

EDIT
Dear operators of every online seller ever,

Please contract an especially virulent strain of...herpes...and just fucking die.

Sincerely,
Me.

From The Age (click) today:


Basically, four scumbag racist bogan pieces of shit from the Melton area decided to take it upon themselves to beat the crap out of a Sudanese kid. Just for kicks. No apparent reason. They even admitted this to the cops. And sent an SMS to the brother of the guy they'd bashed, which helped get the dumb fucks implicated in the first place. Of course, one of them (the charming young man in the picture above, Shane Psaila) said: "He's a bitch and he shouldn't even be in the country." Forgetting, of course, the fact that his own lineage is Greek. Ignorant fucking moron.

But do you know what enrages me even more than this disgusting display of racial hatred? The fact that Psaila's lawyer said: "(My client's) lack of schooling has robbed him of a value system", and therefore somehow excuses him from these actions.

Oh really? "Lack of schooling" is to blame for the fact that this bogan cunt is a racist, violent should-have-been-aborted, does it??

I know that his lawyer has to defend him. I also know that I am sick to death of this shifting of blame mentality. Pedophile? Must have been abused as a kid. Thief? Had a bad upbringing. Racist? Doesn't know any better because no one told him otherwise. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

I don't know what it is about racially motivated crimes that make me so angry. But I look at the picture of that son of a bitch above and I seriously wouldn't mind a shot at him. I know it's because they managed to get a picture of the wanker when he was at his most vile looking, but still...

I also know that I would not blame these Sudanese kids if they got together a few mates and went around to these arseholes' houses and systematically pounded the living bejesus out of them. In fact, I almost hope they do just that.

Dear Metallica,

Fuck you

It's now official. You are not a metal band anymore. You're a self-serving, well-oiled marketing machine for scenester kiddies.

Oh you're sooooo bad and brvtal with your "New S@%!" tagline. Oh, and Kirk Hammett has found the high end of the guitar neck again. Good for him. And hey, the production is better. It couldn't have been much worse. Oh, and Hetfield and Ulrich are getting on now. Isn't that nice? Woot for them. Ulrich still needs a click track though. It's amazing that a drummer, who's supposed to know rhythm, needs a FUCKING CLICK TRACK.

The sight of your fattened arses going through the motions makes me want to vomit. Your new stuff sounds like a the bastard child of your attempt to formulate a few token thrash riffs and the steaming pile of hogwash that was your Load and Reload crud. STOP TRYING TO PLACE A BET EVERY WHICH WAY AND CHOOSE A SUB-GENRE, YOU STUPID OLD CUNTS.

I'm certainly not going to feel any guilt when I download your new album rather than shelling out $30 for it. I hope it hurts, Lar$, you fuckwad. And I guarantee you, it won't be just me. I doubt that any self-respecting metal fan (hell, any remaining self-respecting Metallica fan) would part with $1 for your latest drivel.

Eat shit and die, you bunch of posers,

clappamungus

Dear U.S. Customs Officials in Buttfuck U.S.A. (aka, Charlotte, North Carolina, U.S.A),

I love the fact that I was kept in an office for over an hour with Guatemalans and couples who had adopted Guatemalan babies for no apparent reason, almost missing my connecting flight to New York. I also am heartily guffawing at the fact that you told nothing to my worried girlfriend, who had to sit in a corridor in your shitty little airport and wait for me, but then you wouldn't tell her what was going on or whether or not I'd be allowed to pass through into your venerated country.

I love the fact that you're so interested in what I am doing here, and what my job is, and what I plan to do after I return to Australia. Even thought it's none of your goddamned business if I happen to circumcise kittens wthout anaesthetic. And then you have the gall to tell me that it's law that I have to enter the U.S. with $200, even though this is stated nowhere and I've asked a U.S. citizen since then of the veracity of this, and he has also been confused. I also love the fact that there was not one word of explanation or apology as to why I had been detained. Thanks to you, we almost missed our flight. I suppose if that had happened, you would have done nothing to help us either. And all the while, while one of you chicken fuckers was asking me things I'd already been asked, I was staring at your retard's President's smiling mug hanging on the wall.

You have no idea how close I was to actually doing something that would have got me locked up and/or deported.

In short, I hope every single fucking one of you gets raped and mauled by a pack of rabid pitbulls. Slowly.

All my love,

clappamungus

jpom40 asked me an interesting question yesterday. If I were Dante, who would inhabit my levels of hell?

Well, I know who would be in the level where people are flayed alive for eternity:

All the bastards who ever had anything to do with the design of Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator or Acrobat.

GRRRAAAAAARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Internets,

Fuck you. You are slow and shit today and I'm actually trying to use you for work for once and you are slow and shit and I know I've already said that but that's because I want to reiterate how much you FUCKING SUCK AT THE MOMENT!

BLARGH!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

clappamungus

EDIT FUUUUUCK!!!
As an indication of my rage, it just took about 5 minutes to download an PDF that's a whopping...wait for it...872 KB!!!!!!!!!!

And people wonder why I have anger management issues.

How pathetically patriotic.

No one gives a flying fornication about the soccer until 11 hapless Aussie fucktards manage to a) by some miracle, get into the World Cup and b) manage to somehow score 3 freakish goals after being nil all day. Maybe Japan threw the match.

Anyway, all of a sudden people who never showed any interest in soccer are bloody experts. It's all anyone can talk about. How big the bandwagon is that people jump on. Personally, I'd like to set it alight.

I just hope that Australia bombs out in the next round so I don't have to hear any more shite about it on the radio.

Yes, you guessed it, boys and boyettes. I'm in a shithouse mood.